


you love me with your bones

by neopunch (caihongs)



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Inspired by Single by 30, Pining, Songfic, The Author Regrets Everything, gratuitous use of rhetorical questions, unbeta’ed i’m so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26304697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caihongs/pseuds/neopunch
Summary: Seulgi wonders if Seungwan still remembers the promise they made at seventeen. If she holds it as close as one does a stake through the heart. As close as Seulgi holds it.
Relationships: Kang Seulgi/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43
Collections: 姐妹 exchange!!





	you love me with your bones

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dimsum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimsum/gifts).



> I think about these students in class this afternoon, itching through this hour, their bodies new to puberty, their brains streaked with grammar – probably none of them in love, how they listen to my voice and believe my steady, adult face, how they wish the school day would hurry past, so they could start spending their free time again, how none of them really understands what the clock is always teaching about the way things disappear.“  
> \- Tim Seibles
> 
> happy belated birthday hui my love! i wish i could've gotten this to you on your birthday but alas, my poor time management precedes me. you've inspired me to take on new challenges in the little time we've known each other, hence my first attempt at writing gg fic is for you (my apologies). i hope you like it!
> 
> inspired by niki's [around](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1fLFWxCCbI)

_You love me with your bones_

_You hold me when I'm broke_

_You don't ask for a thing_

_Oh, I hope it's you they put me in the ground by_

It’s not like Seulgi’s been blissfully ignorant. Christ, it’d be impossible to be at this point. Twenty-nine going on thirty and still hung up on the girl she’s loved since seventeen— that’s something that hangs off her shoulders like the scent of the suffocating floral perfume she bought at eighteen and thought made her a big girl. When her mother asks, weathered hands on top of hers, if she’s found anyone yet, she’s defenceless, only armed with a smile and a half-hearted ‘soon’. When her best friend waves her hand from the alfresco dining area and with a pitiful look in her eye when Seulgi isn’t hand-in-hand with someone else, she smiles and says ‘next time’. When life whispers in her ear in the dead of the night that she’s losing this game against time and losing that girl while she’s at it, she wills the voice away and hopes it doesn’t come back tomorrow night.

Waiting for the impending mockery, she lies starfished on the floor of Purgatory and wonders if having regret this entrenched at death warrants a cushy place in Hell, or a dirty motel room in Heaven. It’s too early to be thinking about dying this close to her birthday but it’s what distracts her from thinking about other things. If she enjoyed that trip to South America, if she still listens to that one vinyl record she snagged at the second-hand market during the summer of sophomore year, if she’s still with that model she met in Paris. 

Seulgi wonders if Seungwan still remembers the promise they made at seventeen. If she holds it as close as one does a stake through the heart. As close as Seulgi holds it.

  
  


Twenty-nine going on thirty doesn’t mean she’s going to stop acting or feeling this way. She couldn’t even if she tried, not when her entire heart still lies in the slippery hands of one Son Seungwan. 

  
  


It’s February when Seulgi first realises that she might want to be more than just a friend to Seungwan. Maybe it was Seungwan’s first break up with Aaron the Asshole and Seulgi held her for a long time, or maybe it was when they went out for ice-cream after school and Seungwan asked politely to try Seulgi’s cone only to take a huge bite, teeth and all, leaving her absolutely astounded and warm in the cheeks when Seungwan gave her a saccharine smile, pink lips lined with melted chocolate. Or maybe it was in the confines of Seungwan’s bedroom, walls coloured the warmest shade of yellow and pushing them as close as two girls could be, as she played for Seulgi her favourite tune on her guitar. Or it was all of this compounded on top of each other when Seulgi realised that she was in love with her best friend, that sweet girl she met on the first day in elementary who sung like an angel and braided Seulgi’s hair during lunchtime and called her pretty even when her face was splattered with dirt from playing soccer in the rain. 

It’s only a little terrifying when Seungwan turns seventeen weeks after Seulgi and her hair suddenly falls into her eyes a certain way and she glistens when she sees the cover of the book of sheet music Seulgi spent weeks saving up for and kisses her square on the cheek. 

When Seungwan asks Seulgi if she has a date to prom during lunch, elbows on top of her baby blue binder, leaning her cheek against her palm and fluttering her lashes at Seulgi like it’s her job, Seulgi responds with “no… but I want to ask someone,” and Seungwan lights up like a star and sits up, saying “me too!”, something much like the sound of a disc splitting into two shards sounds in the distance.

It’s only a little agonising when the next day crawls up the canvas of the sky and the moment Seulgi is about to skid her way to Seungwan’s locker with a flower and scrawny coupon that reads ‘free ice-cream included!’ in hand, Seungwan beats her to it and says with all that honey in her voice, “she said yes!” and it’s all downhill from there. 

  
  


It’s Sooyoung and God knows Seulgi is nothing like her. Tall, lean, beautiful, and the owner of the prettiest smile, it’s no wonder Seungwan is enamoured. 

  
  


“I didn’t tell you about her because… well—” _You knew it would break my heart?_ Seulgi’s chest is swimming in an immiscible mixture of something like bitterness and jubilance at the brilliant light her best friend is radiating.

  
  


“I was embarrassed that she wouldn’t say yes.” Seulgi tucks her flower and wrinkled coupon into her back pocket and puts her hands tentatively on Seungwan’s shoulders.

  
  


“Now, how could anyone say no to you?” Seungwan looks up at her from in between her bangs and scrunches up her nose.

  
  


“You’re just saying that.” Seungwan punches Seulgi in the arm, in the place where she can reach and Seulgi finds it within herself to grin.

  
  


“What about you? What did they say?” 

  
  


“I still have to ask.” She’s not lying, exactly, and the way Seungwan’s expression falls is enough to bang the disc into a million other pieces.

  
  


“Well tell me how it goes, hm? We need to go dress shopping together!” Saved by the bell before Seulgi can do something absolutely mortifying like cry, Seungwan perks up and gives Seulgi another squeeze on the arm before mouthing ‘call me later!’ and running off to her Literature class. 

  
  


The flower wilts and the coupon stays scrunched in her jeans. Seulgi grabs it from the spin dryer, only to have her pocket stained with a million pieces of paper fluff that she knows won’t ever leave those pair of jeans for as long as she’ll own them.

  
  


They aren’t meant to be after all. 

  
  


_Know where I've been, where I'm from_

_You know who took me to prom_

_You've watched as my legs and pride grew taller_

  
  


To no one’s surprise, they never go dress shopping together, for Seungwan forgets to text and Seulgi was always going to say no, and Seulgi asks someone else instead. His name is Nathan and they’ve had Maths together for the past two years and he’s a good friend. Well, until he ditches Seulgi for Cindy two minutes into prom and Seulgi takes that as her cue to leave. 

  
  


**_seulgi_ **

_meet me @ diner in ten?_

**_seungwan_ **

_omw_

  
  


“Nathan and his goons got caught smuggling alcohol so it’s a good thing you weren’t there.” Seungwan rolls her eyes as she takes a long sip of her mint chocolate milkshake and Seulgi shoves a limp potato fry into her mouth. 

  
  


“Yeah, I— I didn’t want to go with him in the first place.” 

  
  


Seungwan frowns, glittery lips pursed as she leans forward.

  
  


“You should have had a back-up.” 

  
  


“I didn’t want to make anyone a— a back-up! How would that have sounded if I was like ‘hey, sorry my original date rejected me so that’s why I’m asking you’,” Seulgi exclaims, and Seungwan laughs at her before holding her cheek in her palm.

  
  


“I would’ve been your back-up.” Seulgi thinks herself incredibly strong for not making a run for it right there and then. Seungwan looks so pretty too, all dolled up in her sister’s eyeshadow, matching with her dark green spaghetti strap bodycon dress, probably chosen by her sister as well since Seungwan was always one for flowy florals, but nevertheless, she looks absolutely wonderful. 

  
  


“Wow thanks, I know I can always rely on you.” The sarcasm earns another giggle and punch from Seungwan.

  
  


“Hey! Seriously though! I would have. Plus, you don’t need and can do _so much_ better than Nathan anyway. He’s footballer scum and awful at Maths too.” Seulgi chews on another chip and smiles.

  
  


“It’s okay Seung really, I just hope at least like by thirty, I’m still not getting flaked on.” Seulgi sips woefully on her milkshake for the act and Seungwan rolls her eyes again. 

  
  


“If you were a thirty-year-old attending high school prom, I think we’d have a lot more to talk about.” 

  
  


“You know what I mean.” _What if I never get to dance with you by thirty?_ , is what seventeen-year-old Seulgi thinks to herself and Seungwan leans back into the cushioned leather seat.

  
  


“You _won’t_ be single by thirty, trust me Seulgi.” Seungwan says with so much confidence and assurance that Seulgi almost believes her. 

  
  


“How do you know that, hm?” 

  
  


“I just, well, even if you were, you know my parents separated in their thirties— it’s not all what it’s cracked up to be, right?” 

  
  


Seulgi leans forward this time, and wills herself to ignore the fact that she loves Seungwan to a terrible, terrible fault.

  
  


“But isn’t it scary to be alone?”

  
  


“I think, you’ll just have to go with the flow, won’t you?”

  
  


“Or have a back-up.” Seulgi grins, biting her paper straw in between her teeth. 

  
  


“See! You get it now, don’t you?” Seungwan beams back and Seulgi says something incredibly moronic in response.

  
  


“So you’d be my back-up even then?” 

  
  


“You know what, yeah I would be.” Seulgi laughs and stops as soon as she realises Seungwan isn’t laughing with her.

  
  


“Wait—”

  
  


“Think about it! Wouldn’t you have been way more confident to ask the person you _actually_ wanted to go with if you had a back-up? So really, even though we’re most likely going to be with other people by thirty, if we’re not, we’ll have each other.”

  
  


Seulgi is really in for it now. 

  
  


“Okay, so if we’re single by thirty…” Good God, she’s never getting herself out of this one.

  
  


“Let’s get married.” 

  
  


“Cool.” Seungwan’s hair falls in her face when she nods and Seulgi, an inherent reactionary to everything that occurs in her life, brings her milkshake up from the table.

  
  


“Shake on it?”

  
  


Seungwan clinks her glass against Seulgi, snorting when Seulgi spills milk on her own black dress.

  
  


“Fuck,” she hisses to herself, furiously dabbing at it with the napkin only to embed the stain even further.

  
  


“Stop it, come here.” Seungwan beckons her over and Seulgi hobbles over on unsteady knees as her heels clatter against the tiled floor.

  
  


“Hold the fabric out.” Seungwan takes water on her two fingers and rubs gently when Seulgi shoves her hand through the side slit of her dress near her torso and protrudes the fabric out with her finger. They’re so close, Seulgi can see the smudged eyeliner at the edges of Seungwan’s waterline, and she takes the opportunity to stare for as long as she can.

  
  


“Look, all gone!” Seulgi immediately looks down when Seungwan looks up and sure enough the white stain is, well it’s still there, but much more faded than when Seulgi tried her hand at it.

  
  


“My queen and saviour, thank you.” Seungwan crosses her legs and gleams. 

  
  


“You’re welcome darling.”

  
  


Seulgi hopes her blush doesn’t show under her foundation.

  
  


And when they part ways at Seulgi’s house, Seungwan having driven her in her dinked up white Camry, she turns around, one hand on the wheel and one on Seulgi’s.

  
  


“You looked really pretty tonight, Seulgi.”

  
  


It’s her eyes glittering under the streetlight, barely illuminated but bright enough to drain the breath out of Seulgi’s lungs, and her warm hand on hers, that drives Seulgi to the brink of insanity. 

  
  


_If we’re still single by thirty, let’s get married._

  
  


“Thank you, you— you too,” she murmurs back quickly before getting out of the car and walking as fast as she can to her front door without tripping in her front yard.

  
  


Seulgi dreams of a home in the suburbs, a cat that curls at her feet, and waking up to brown eyes and glittery lips. 

  
  


_Oh, I wanna be the one you call drunk_

_Oh, I know that we march to the beat of different drums_

  
  


Seungwan makes it to an Ivy League, Seulgi stays in their hometown. They part, teary-eyed and with promises that they’ll stay in touch. Emails, two minute phone calls so they don’t max out their phone plans. They’ll work it out. They have to. 

  
“You know you’ll always be my best friend.” Seungwan says, choked up as she throws her hands around Seulgi’s neck by the football field after graduation.

  
  


_Tell her. Tell her. Tell her._

  
  


“And you’ll always be mine.” Seulgi loves her. Seulgi loves Seungwan Son, who braided her hair and called her pretty, who would make her feel like it was all going to be okay even if the world was falling at their feet, who told her she was worth the moon and more.

  
  


Seungwan leaves for Boston, Seungwan stays in southern California. They email and call once every two weeks until they don’t. 

  
  


It gets bad when Seulgi gets broken up with by her first girlfriend, the hot senior Byulyi who drew her in like a moth to light in freshman year, who had swept her off her feet at her first college party, opened her eyes to the world of making out in the front seat of a car, amongst other things. Yet, it came to Seulgi drinking a bottle too much and telling Byulyi in a bout of drunken stupor about the girl she’s loved since eleventh grade that ended it all.

  
  


It’s not a pretty sight, being broken-hearted.

  
  


_“You can’t expect me to pretend that that never happened Seulgi. You told me you’d love her, until death.”_

  
  


As if one alcohol-induced fuck-up wasn’t enough, Seulgi dials in a number she’s memorised by heart after her third bottle two weeks later and waits for the tone. Maybe she’ll breathe for a few seconds, then hang up. Seulgi’s sober enough to recognise the consequences of drunk voicemails. They’re never innocuous the moment you record them inebriated. She’s learnt that lesson before. 

It never comes because someone picks up and Seulgi hangs up before she can hear her voice and do something she’ll regret in the morning. 

Another lesson she’s learnt. Third bottle means just enough sobriety to not call up the girl with her hands over and around your heart and tell her that you’ve loved her since you were seventeen, and that this fact is the reason why your girlfriend, someone you genuinely had a chance with and made you feel like you could take on the world, broke up with you. 

  
  


Seulgi feels perpetually broken-hearted, but at least she learns. 

  
  


_When push comes to shove_

_I'll be the one a_

_Round and round we go_

  
  


Facebook is the only way Seulgi keeps up with Seungwan after graduating college. She runs among the flowers in the French Alps, flies to Korea for her sister’s wedding, sings on the streets of Rome while an old Italian man plays ‘What A Wonderful World’ on his accordion, then flies again to Paris where her heart lies.

Irene Bae is the name. Red-lipped beauty with alluring eyes and truly beautiful beyond belief. She models for Yves Saint Laurent and is on at least twenty Forbes lists for something or other. Her philanthropy, influence on the younger generation, her attractiveness to all, no matter age or gender. 

It doesn’t hurt Seulgi as much as it tear her apart when Seungwan posts a picture of the two of them with Irene draped across Seungwan’s sitting form, their silhouettes superimposed against the backdrop of the city of love at night, their room and bodies enshrouded in gold. It’s captioned ‘ _생일 축하해 i love you ♡’_ and at this point, it’s pathetic how she carries herself after, as if she didn’t already know that Seungwan had committed to a serious relationship. Seulgi has no one but herself to blame for doing the same. 

  
  


Stability seems to be the keyword for this stage of their lives now. 

Seulgi has the apartment, and her savings are enough to put her at ease that she’ll be able to keep sending money to her parents and prepared to go for that investment property she’s been eyeing, because those are important now too. And yet no one to share it with. 

Jisoo tells her that maybe it’s time she moved on. 

  
  


“Coming on ten years now, Seulgi.” She knows, of course she does, but hearing Jisoo reiterate it is that much more of a sting. They’ve known each other for the better part of four years and Jisoo is truly her best friend, her only one now, and the fact that it holds its roots in a place of love and care is why it stings most. 

  
  


“I know,” is her defeated response. They’re curled up on Jisoo’s leather couch, wine glasses in hand and Jisoo’s fingers running ministrations within Seulgi’s matted black hair. Jisoo’s fiancee is at the studio tonight and will be until early morning no doubt knowing how the artist operates, so it’s just them and the bottle of red and open bag of squid chips on the coffee table. 

  
  


“You know I’m here when you need me, I have— if you were looking, or thinking about it— some friends who are single?” Seulgi’s face sours at the thought of being set up with strangers and Jisoo pouts.

  
  


“Hey, just putting it out there Seul.” Seulgi’s blood is warm and floods her cheeks when Jisoo pours her another half glass. They bask in the silence, not much for talking when they’re sober or drunk on truth serum, and Seulgi appreciates it. It’s rare to find someone like this, willing to put up with your shortcomings and you on top of that. 

  
  


“I just don’t want to see you sad over her anymore, baby.” 

  
  


They drink some more and watch as the clock eats away the hours and minutes and seconds and Seulgi wonders what time it is in Paris. 

  
  
  


**Seungwan Son has checked in to — LAX**

i’ve missed you cali! 

  
  
  


Seulgi has heeded to some of Jisoo’s advice in the following years in that checking Seungwan’s socials has become less of a daily occurrence and more an ‘every quarter’ occurrence. Yet again, that’s not on Seulgi’s own terms when work has been especially taxing and her best friend is getting married in less than a month and Seulgi has had both the honour and curse of helping the two soon-to-be-brides organise it. 

  
  


“Jennie wants white tablecloths with a pink hem but her mother wants it to be the other way around— Oh Seulgi I’m going fucking insane.” Jisoo groans into Seulgi’s shoulder as they sit on Jisoo’s couch again, hunched over Seulgi’s battered Macbook Air, sifting through the website of various types of tablecloths and the patterns are beginning to blur in an amalgam of checkered, houndstooth (they both agree that was the worst option) and light lace the more Seulgi squints at her screen. It’s reaching the twenty-third hour and the two women had already finished ten hour shifts at work, only to come back to Jisoo’s and do another it seems. Jennie, slaving away at another track for her upcoming mixtape, as well as a few tracks for a new group’s debut album, had apologised for not being there by ordering the two their favourite fried chicken before she ran out of the door with her six-hundred-dollar headphones barely hanging onto her neck. 

  
  


“It’s okay Ji, we’ll find something.” Seulgi says softly before she yawns and Jisoo lifts her forehead from Seulgi’s shoulder to look at the time.

  
  


“Stay over, you can borrow my clothes and we’ll drive you back tomorrow.” It’s an order if anything and Seulgi concedes easily. 

  
  


“Mmkay.” Seulgi gets up, closing her laptop and making her way to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. 

  
  


“Hey, your girl is back in town.” 

  
  


Unsurprisingly, Seulgi chokes violently on her drink and starts a whole coughing fit while Jisoo, looking and sounding less apologetic than Seulgi would appreciate, jumps up from the couch to rub her back.

  
  


“How— what?!” Seulgi whisper-shouts and Jisoo only shows her the phone screen.

  
  


“Checked in about three hours ago. Didn’t you tell me she was with that model chick in France?”

  
  


“I did. I thought she still was.” Seulgi stares closely at the status update, her nose pressed up against the screen as if it’ll tell her what she’s dying to know. 

  
  


“Hey, what if—” 

  
  


“I am _not_ bringing her to your wedding Jisoo.” Seulgi snatches her phone from her best friend and crosses her arms, the wet fabric of her dress shift clinging to her chest as she does.

  
  


“Why not! This is the perfect opportunity for you two to reconcile and maybe something will happen Seul, you never know.” Jisoo tugs at her sleeve, looking at her like a kicked puppy and Seulgi’s lips fight the urge to rip open and spill that—

  
  


“We made a pact that we’d marry each other if we were single by thirty.”

  
  


Jisoo’s face contorts into multiple expressions before it settles into one of shock. 

  
  


“That is so… you’re kidding me Seulgi, this is the moment! The fates have intervened, divine intervention or whatever the fuck it’s called!” Jisoo shakes Seulgi as gently as she can without breaking a bone, eyes wide and bright with an optimism Seulgi can’t bear to mirror. 

  
  


“Her and Irene, they’re long-term Jisoo, not some fling that she was on and off with. And we’re both almost thirty, she’s probably looking to settle down with her and is probably in the US to I don’t know, visit her mom or something.” Seulgi leans back on the kitchen island and runs a hand through her hair.

  
  


“You don’t know that for sure though, do you? From what I’m seeing, this is a door opening for you and you’re just scared to go in.” Jisoo takes a sip from Seulgi’s glass and looks at her imploringly almost. 

  
  


Jisoo takes the figurative language and unnecessary metaphors with her wherever she goes and whoever she’s with, Seulgi unfortunately included. 

  
  


“Jisoo, this is your special day. I’m not going to ruin it by asking out a girl whom I haven’t spoken to in almost a decade to your wedding and having me, your maid of honour, run out with tears streaming down her face when the girl will a hundred percent tell me she’s still taken by her hot model girlfriend.” Jisoo follows her stride in leaning on the island as well, and leaning her head on Seulgi’s shoulder again. Seulgi sighs once, twice, and leans her head against on her best friend.

  
  


“You would never ruin my wedding, no matter what. But if that’s what you think, I’m not going to force you to bring her as your plus one.”

  
  


Seulgi thinks about prom. Watching as Seungwan entered in, arm in arm with Sooyoung Park. A sight for sore eyes the both of them. Her loud and bright laughter that was so distinguishable even in the cacophony of pounding music and teenagers moving up against each other. Sooyoung twirling her around and her dress shifting with her as she wrapped her fingers around her date’s, pressing her glittery lips into a lazy smile, only visible under the light of the disco ball. 

  
Seulgi’s ability to remember the night in such terrific clarity is just another one of her tragic flaws. Except she’s not a hero, not even in the slightest sense of the word. Her hand find the solace of Jisoo’s and they stand there for a long time. 

  
  


_'Least I know my hope is_

_That you stick around 'til the end_

_'Cause you're my best friend_

  
  


Seulgi is awoken by Jennie dropping all of the pots and pans in the sink by accident and Jisoo’s subsequent “What the fuck?!” from the bedroom, then blinks her eyes a few times over before rolling over to find the time.

  
  


**_Seungwan Son has sent you a message._ ** _9:03AM_

  
  


Seulgi has never felt white-hot fear like this before. Coursing through her entire body like a straight injection into her jugular vein.

  
  


“Hey! Sorry about that Seulgi, are you ready for breakfast—” Jennie sticks her head out of the doorframe of the guest room apologetically and is the first witness to the shambles of Seulgi as she lobs her phone to the other side of the room in shock. 

  
  


" _Unnie? What’s wrong?_ ” The girl dashes over to first pick up Seulgi’s phone, which has only suffered a hairline crack, and then to Seulgi’s side, where she’s currently got her face sandwiched in a pillow. 

  
  


“She sent me a message.” Seulgi responds, muffled but Jennie turns on the device and sees the notification and immediately gasps. 

  
  


“Oh… Oh Seulgi.” Jennie wraps her arms around her while Jisoo waltzes in to the room, ready to yell at them to hurry up, only to see the two most important women in her life, huddled on the bed.

  
  


Jisoo doesn’t need much incentive to come join the hug, but when her fiancee shoves the phone across the other side of the bed, she mimics the same gasp and begins petting Seulgi on the head, much like comforting a child after a bad fall. 

  
  


Seulgi is acutely aware of how dramatic she’s acting, but again, she lives life as a reactionary to practically anything that happens in her life, so her actions are characterised as such. She knows she should just check it, rip off the bandaid, but the fact that Seungwan can see that she’s read the message, and the fact that Seulgi has message previews turned off, is recipe for a hazardous expulsion of repressed emotion and fear.

The two women around her don’t say anything, only holding her as she removes the pillow from her face and stares at the offending device in front of her. Then wordlessly, she reaches for it and swipes on the notification with the courage of a thousand ancestors before her. 

  
  


**_Seungwan Son_ **

_Studied at The Julliard School_

_Hey Seulgi! I’m back in SoCal and I was wondering if you were free to catch up?_

  
  


The three of them exhale simultaneously, and Jisoo cocks her head to look at Seulgi in the eye. 

  
  


“Well?” 

  
  


“It’s just catch-up right? Wouldn’t hurt to meet up with an old friend.” Jennie pipes up, and Jisoo nods enthusiastically.

  
  


“Exactly! You aside, this is an opportunity to see what’s she’s been up to, in the years you haven’t seen each other.” Jisoo says as if she doesn’t know that Seulgi knows the exact timeline of what her ex-best friend, amongst other labels, has been up to for the past ten years.

  
  


“Am I ready for this?” Seulgi asks herself rather than her friends, and the silence is enough to discern that she probably isn't. But even opening the notification, than leaving it for months until it doesn’t plague her conscience every moment of the day is a start. 

  
  


**_Seulgi Kang_ **

_Hey Seungwan! I’d be down, when are you free?_

  
  


And almost immediately:

  
  


**_Seungwan Son_ **

_How’s tomorrow at 12 at the diner?_

  
  


**_Seulgi Kang_ **

_See you then!_

  
  


“Not the diner.” Jisoo murmurs under her breath, and Seulgi lets out a choked sigh.

  
  


“What’s wrong with the diner?” A glare shot by Jisoo at Jennie is enough to shut her up and Seulgi smiles weakly at the woman on her left. 

  
  


“It’s a long story.” 

  
  


Three women cuddled up in a bed, all three pairs of eyes staring intently at the heart reaction on Seulgi’s message and it’s fair to say that their breakfast is cold when they come out. 

  
  


Like clockwork it seems, Seulgi is all but prepared for what’s to unfold the next day. Having left the couple’s home at around two in the afternoon to come home to her lonely abode for more than one, she’s left to her own thoughts and devices and the way she deals with it is productive, to a fault. She double cleans every surface of her home, organises her magazines in alphabetical order, then colour-coded, then by chronologically by the year of release, rearranges her living room before moving it all back to where it was before, and then sits on her couch, depleted of all physical energy and reaching her emotional bandwidth. 

Jennie and Jisoo have cake-tasting tomorrow, so she can’t rely on them for moral support either, which only serves to worry her more. Meeting the girl you’ve been in love with since you were seventeen for the first time in a long time, with you having her smile tattooed to the back of your eyelids and imprinted at the front of your mind, and every single piece of art or media you consume reminding you of her, a pervasive presence in your life despite not having seen her for ten years, would do something terrifying to you. 

So she sits on that couch, watches reruns of the Bold and Beautiful, drinks an entire pot of green tea that’s been steeped for three minutes too long, and waits for the sun to set before she throws herself into another bit of work and goes to bed. Keeping herself busy like this is her only respite but her last thought before her head hits the mattress is if she should iron that new shirt she bought for tomorrow.

  
  


The journey to the diner is a short one and the entire time, her knees are jogging up and down on the bus, and her fingers grip the handle of her handbag so hard, the tips go white. Even listening to her comfort album on Spotify is not enough to calm her down. Having her body clock wake her up at six in the morning, she went for a run for the first time in months to expel the nervous energy she’d woken up with, proceeded to have a shower, then sat on the edge of her bathtub for fifteen minutes with her back pressed against the tiled wall with only her towel wrapped around her to process everything, then breakfast, more tea, and then doing her make-up and hair and staring at herself in the mirror for a good ten minutes, wondering if it looked obvious that she hadn’t been truly happy with her life for the past few years. 

  
  


Her beat-up Converse low-tops skid against the ground when she almost trips over the uneven pavement, and she fortunately, doesn’t collide face-to-glass with the door of the diner. The bell twinkles, immediately igniting memories of afternoons and nights spent here, spine curving to mould to the shape of the worn-out leather seats, elbows against the metal tables, and with a cold beverage and fries at hand. As if the reverie wasn’t enough, she sees her. 

  
  


Today marks the 1st of February. It’s nine days until Seulgi’s birthday. Twenty till Seungwan’s. 

  
  


Is she ready? Yes. No. 

Yes. 

  
  


It’s a wonder how Seulgi makes it to that booth. 

  
  


Seulgi can barely say hello before Seungwan shoots up from her seat to throw her hands around her neck and in a tight embrace. Her hands hover awkwardly around Seungwan, before they tentatively wrap around her shoulders. 

  
  


She’s warm as always, and Seulgi is beginning to think that this was a terrible, terrible idea.

  
  


“How’ve you been? We haven’t spoken in so long.” Seungwan is so enthusiastic, Seulgi is overwhelmed. She’s the same as she was all those years ago and yet, the only difference is that she’s grown into herself. Still as beautiful too.

  
  


“I’m good! Just working and keeping myself busy. How about you?” Seulgi tries to reciprocate the excitement but it’s in vain when she sounds just as fatigued as she is on a regular. Nevertheless Seungwan’s eyes widen and she leans forward, palms pressed to her cheeks. This feels all too familiar.

  
  


“Oh, you know. Just travelling— but let me hear more about you! What else have you been doing?” Seungwan’s eyes glimmer when she blinks at Seulgi expectantly, as if she’s withholding information from her. Not in a rude manner, not at all, but more like ‘I know you have a tendency to keep things to yourself even though they should really be shared with the world’. If Seungwan hasn’t changed in ten years, Seulgi hasn’t either. 

  
  


Before Seulgi can respond, two milkshakes come to the table as well as a plate of loaded fries. 

  
  


“I just ordered our usual, if that’s okay?” Seungwan’s shoulders relax when Seulgi nods furiously. Nothing has changed in Seulgi’s taste either. 

  
  


“Of course, I still love these things.” Seulgi shakes her glass and curses silently at how awkward she must look. Yet, Seungwan laughs and shakes hers as well.

  
  


“Me too, it’s really been too long.” Their eyes meet for a second too long to be considered a glance and Seulgi feels herself sinking deeper into quicksand. 

  
  


“So, what have you been doing?” 

  
  


“I’ve just been helping organise my best friend’s wedding for the past year or so.” 

  
  


“How exciting! When is the big day?” Seungwan’s body language truly signifies that actions speak louder than words, because her entire body surges forward and their faces are closer than Seulgi was ever ready for. 

  
  


“Oh— um, in two weeks. Actually, near your birthday.” Seulgi tacks on at the end without thinking and Seungwan’s expression morphs into something Seulgi can’t pinpoint. Then it changes back into one of joy almost instantly, which makes Seulgi question what she even saw.

  
  


“That’s so soon! Are you— are you bringing anyone with you?” Nothing in her eyes or face gives away that it means anything more than it should mean. An innocuous question. Why does Seulgi want to run? 

  
  


“No, no I’m not bringing anyone.” is her quiet response, and Seungwan’s expression returns back to its scheduled program of displaying exactly how she feels. 

  
  


“Really? I thought— oh.” Seulgi cocks her head in confusion, pressing silently for elaboration. This catch-up is taking a sharp turn and Seulgi is wondering what exactly Seungwan is keeping from her. 

  
  


“I thought you were with that girl, in your profile picture? Long, black hair?” Seungwan gestures vaguely with her hands, and Seulgi has never seen her this unsure before. 

  
  


“Oh no no, that’s the best friend getting married to someone else, Jisoo.” Seulgi clarifies, trying to tone down the eagerness in her voice. 

  
  


“Oh! So that’s— right, my bad.” Seungwan looks apologetic for her assumption but Seulgi is more concerned about Seungwan. In a sick, sick way, Seulgi wonders if there’s trouble in paradise after all.

  
  


“It’s okay, we’re just close is all. But, what about you? Are you still—” Seulgi hesitates and by the look on Seungwan’s face, her hypothesis is confirmed.

  
  


“We ended things.” 

  
  


That sentence alone sets Seulgi on fire. It was already an issue that the girl in front of her has unknowingly held her up on strings for the last few years of her life, and now that the final factor that has held Seulgi in a mental stronghold has been axed, she sits in this diner, the catalyst upon which defining events in her life seem to occur, wondering what the fuck she should do now. 

  
  


“Oh, I’m sorry, I had no idea.” is what she says and Seungwan gives her another smile, and like a charm, it eases Seulgi just a little.

  
  


“No, don’t be, it’s not your fault.” Seulgi still feels sorry down to her gut. The last time Seulgi had made a long perusal of Seungwan’s Facebook and Instagram page, everything was going so well. She was sure they’d get married soon enough too.

  
  


“I—”

  
  


“Did—” 

  
  


They let out soft giggles and Seungwan gestures for Seulgi to go on. Seulgi clears her throat and in a bout of pure impulse behaviour borne out of the realisation that she might just have a chance, and the realisation that she can’t let herself be chained to this any longer cementing itself in her heart, she asks.

  
  


“I was wondering if you were planning to do anything for your birthday.” Seulgi says and Seungwan stirs her drink with a small smile on her face.

  
  


“I didn’t mean to come back so close to my birthday so I don’t have any plans at the moment. What about you?” The fact that their birthdays are a mere eleven days apart has always been something they used to laugh about, calling it fate when they were in middle school, then making crude jokes about their parents banging in the same month in junior high. They always celebrated on the sixteenth together, sharing a cake and the same amount of candles dripping blue and yellow wax all over the frosting.

  
  


“Did— did you want to celebrate together? Like old times?” Seulgi asks tentatively, and in a breeze of deja vu, the sun setting and the yellow light casting over her eyes like a shard of gold reminds Seulgi that she was never going to be able to get over Seungwan.

  
  


“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to impose,” Seungwan responds just as tentatively and Seulgi shakes her head resolutely.

  
  


“No you wouldn’t be! I didn’t have any plans either with the wedding and all.” _And you know, the fact that we’re both going to be single and thirty and God is it too soon if I ask you to marry me after all this time?_

  
  


And with her true thoughts left unsaid, Seulgi only grins when Seungwan responds with a “I’d love to,” and the rest of the afternoon spills into reminiscing high school and sharing new experiences and memories, the latter more so on Seungwan’s part than Seulgi’s. Seulgi doesn’t bring up the pact and Seungwan doesn’t mention it either. 

Seulgi doesn’t marinate over the possibility that Seungwan might have forgotten the only promise they made that Seulgi holds so close and dear to her heart. For now, this is more than enough. Their feet don’t lock together by accident, nor do their hands like what Seulgi used to fantasise about when the nights were especially lonely, but having her in front of her, hearing her laugh, and remembering just exactly how bright she was in every single definition of the word and in every single part of her being, is more than enough.

Having her best friend back is more than enough.

  
  
  


They plan for the sixteenth, and Seungwan shares with Seulgi her new phone number before they part ways. 

Fifteen days. Twenty-nine going on thirty and still hung up on the girl she’s loved since she was seventeen. 

Seulgi thinks she’s going too fast, even thinking about that pact. Asking someone to marry you off a stupid promise you made as teenagers sounds ridiculous in her head, let alone if she actually voiced that out loud to someone. Whether it’s Jisoo, whose blood is infused with romanticism, or Seungwan herself, Seulgi wants to save herself from any fuck-ups that could ruin whatever they have right now. 

  
  


**_holy trinity (3)_ **

**_seulgi_ **

_ok i know u guys are busy but i just wanted_

_to let you know that i’m celebrating my birthday_

_on the sixteenth with seungwan_

_god that sentence sounds unreal_

**_jisoo_ **

_no fucking way SEULGI?!!?!!!!!!!!!_

_jennie’s arguing with the venue about_

_shrimp allergies but we’re rooting for you!_

_are we still down for dinner on the tenth though?_

**_seulgi_ **

_oh no_

_but yes! we’re still on for the tenth :))_

_good luck you two i wish i was there </3 _

**_jisoo_ **

_you’re a terrible liar_

  
  


They’re planning on a picnic on the sixteenth, which is something handpicked from Seulgi’s dreams. Seungwan insisted on bringing the food, claiming her sandwiches were out-of-this-world and Seulgi conceded to bringing drinks and cutlery. 

The sound of two people going on a birthday picnic wouldn’t garner an eyebrow raise usually but the moment Seungwan tells her ‘it’s a date!’ over the phone before hanging up, Seulgi’s heart drums against her ribs in a borderline violent rhythm that has her holding her phone to her chest and going blistering red for the hour after.

  
  


“You’ll be fine! Just wear your pretty yellow checkered dress and leave your hair down. And please bring a cooler bag, nobody likes tepid orange juice.” are Jisoo’s words of advice when Seulgi calls her in a bout of fear and shock.

  
  


They’d already discussed for the entire duration of dinner at their favourite hole-in-the-wall Italian place in downtown that everything would be fine, and that no, Seulgi wouldn’t embarrass herself by saying something idiotic despite her tendency to in tough situations, and that yes, her hair does look nice when it’s down and spritzed with sea salt spray. 

  
  


“Did you want us to come over and help you get ready?” Jennie offers as she feeds Jisoo another prawn from her plate and Seulgi shakes her head profusely. 

  
  


“Oh my God no, it’s okay you guys have so much on your plate let alone dealing with me.” Seulgi knows there’s a flurry of other things they should be concerned about, one being the fact the two have not practised their first dance together and two, that they have not rehearsed their flower girls on how everything is supposed to work on the day, with Jisoo’s niece in particular being more of a wanderer than most other five-year-olds. Jisoo frowns deeply at her from across the table and puts her hand on Seulgi’s.

  
  


“Don’t say that, you’re never a bother to us. Just let us know if you need us and we’ll be there, okay?” Jennie reaffirms with her hand on Seulgi’s right hand. Seulgi puts her unintentional self-deprecation and minimisation of everything in her life on the list of things she really has to get a start on fixing. Self-awareness is the first step, and albeit having Seungwan in her tangible reach is not a good impetus for it all considering both Jisoo and Jennie have been nothing but comforting, supportive, and kind towards Seulgi throughout their entire time of knowing each other, it’s a start. 

  
  


“Okay, I will.” She brings their hands in a three-way hand hold situation and the three women giggle in unison. Jisoo makes sure to slip that it’s her best friend’s birthday to the waiter when he cleans up their table, and sure enough, a band of three waiters come out with a guitar, castanets and a creme brulee with a tiny candle in the middle, start to chorus in the most joyous rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ she’s ever heard and experienced in her life. She blows out the candle, wishes for health and happiness and the couple clap and cheer for her, which has the rest of the tiny restaurant joining them. 

  
  


It’s not a dirty thirty, _definitely not_ , but it’s everything she could have asked for and Seulgi knows she’ll be forever grateful for these two in her life.

When she gets home filled to the brim with carbohydrates, wine, and cheese, she Facetimes her parents to say thank you for the birthday message from the morning and invite them out for lunch the next week. They’ve been preoccupied with her older brother’s newborn, taking on their role as grandparents in full stride, but Seulgi knows that they’re just waiting for her to break to them the good news as well. They don’t ask her if she’s seeing someone, which is a first, and instead ask about work and if she’s taken up any new hobbies, like that time she was invested in embroidery and sent her parents an embroidered tote bag with their faces on it as a partial joke, but also to show them one of her most impressive works to date. She tells them that she’s been busy with the wedding preparation for Jisoo but she’ll let them know of anything else she’ll get up to soon. She doesn’t tell them that she’s promised Seungwan that she’ll do a wine and paint class with her yet, but her parents are satisfied enough to learn that she’s keeping herself occupied. 

  
  


“ _We’ll see you soon okay? Talk to you later!”_

  
  


Seulgi waves and her parents struggle for a minute to end the call before they wave enthusiastically back and the screen disappears. 

Her house is still incredibly clean, save for the stray tea mug on the kitchen counter and as she lies back on her couch again, legs folded underneath her as she stares into space, she wonders if it’s too good to be true.

That she can’t enjoy good things before bad things come in the hundreds and thousands, just to balance it out and keep her on her toes in some sick and twisted way.

March 10th. Six more days. 

The clock eats away at the hours and minutes and seconds and Seulgi wonders how she’s lived her life to now and is only starting to recognise how time falls through her grasps like water. 

  
  


_You cut me, I bleed gold_

  
  


Seungwan calls her up on the fifteenth, while Seulgi is in the middle of writing up a report for work.

  
  


“Seungwan? What’s up?” Did something come up? Is she cancelling plans?

  
  


“Sorry for the sudden call! I was just wondering if you were allergic to anything?” Seulgi visibly deflates, the tension seeping out of her being immediately. Overthinking is her worst enemy.

  
  


“Nope, not that I know of. May I ask what’s in those sandwiches of yours?” 

  
  


“Oh good! And nope, it’s a _surprise_ ,” Seungwan sings and Seulgi can’t stop the wide smile that stretches across her face.

  
  


“Alright then, keep your secrets.” Seulgi rests back in her computer chair and Seungwan snorts on the other side.

  
  


“You’ve never watched Lord of the Rings in your life, but okay Seulgi. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Seulgi is positively flushed now and she decides to do something she’s never done before.

  
  


“Maybe we can make it a date?” The confidence she’s collated over the past two weeks permeates the air around her and Seulgi can’t say she dislikes it.

  
  


“Oh Seulgi, I would never make you watch those movies if it was a date.” She can almost hear the Seungwan Smile over the phone and Seulgi is now left a sputtering mess on the other side. So much for confident. 

  
  


“Well— we could do something else. Then.” is her response and Seungwan giggles, before she hums in response.

  
  


“We can talk about another date after our first one, deal? I’ll let you be now, good night Seulgi.” Seulgi doesn’t want her to leave, not after that statement but she can’t promise anything stupid will come out of her mouth past eleven at night.

  
  


“Deal. Good night Seung.” The line drops and Seulgi is far too warm in the cheeks for the rest of the night. 

  
  
  


She wakes up fresh-faced and ready to tackle what’s probably the biggest day of her life. Dramatic but true to a certain extent. Her life having been coloured by this crush-turned-something-entirely-other, culminating in a date with said crush is truly something to marvel at.

  
  


She has her morning run, eats a light breakfast to save her stomach for the surprise sandwiches, slips on her dress, lets her hair down to air-dry before she packs away the drinks she bought and fruit she cut up the night before in a cooler bag borrowed from Jisoo and Jennie. 

  
  


**_seungwan_ **

_all ready! can’t wait to see you ^^_

_[image attached]_

  
  


It’s a picture of Seungwan throwing up a peace sign with her plate of sandwiches but with a blur effect so the condiments and contents of the sandwiches can’t be deciphered.

Seulgi is really in for it now.

The walk to the park is a bus ride away and Seulgi’s always been one for public transport rather than her own car. Partly because her parking jobs are always horrific but there’s something special, apart from saving the environment, about the routine of it all and people-watching through the window. 

‘I’m going to go on a picnic with the girl of my dreams!’ is what Seulgi wants to shout through the glass to the unknowing people walking down the street. Is this what true infatuation feels like? Now that she has an opportunity to express what she’s felt for what seems like forever and a half, she’s going insane with this newfound freedom. 

  
  


She alights the bus with her wits about her, barely, and walks across the field to spot the specific tree Seungwan has chosen.

  
  


“Seulgi!” Seulgi spots the brunette waving at her from a yard or so away and starts making a quick jog for it, careful not to swing her bag back and forth violently as she does. 

  
  


Seungwan is in a blue set, a matching top and skirt with white sneakers and a white burette pinning up one side of her hair. She looks wonderful and Seulgi refrains from staring for a moment too long to be considered accidental.

  
  


“Seung, you— you look really nice.” Seulgi musters out as she sets her bag down and shucks off her shoes to sit on the picnic mat. Maybe it’s the Californian sun in the buildup to Spring, but Seungwan’s cheeks go cherry red and Seulgi thinks she looks even lovelier like this.

  
  


“You too Seulgi, I love your dress.” Seungwan says softly, almost shy when she looks at Seulgi and they both look away from each other. It’s like they’re teenagers again, except Seulgi gets the girl this time. Or so she hopes. 

  
  


“Thank you— actually I got it at the market, remember the one near our high school?” Seulgi steers the conversation before they’re both reduced into nothingness. The two of them were never good at accepting compliments.

  
  


“Oh I remember! Where I bought that vinyl I played for the entirety of summer in sophomore year? I can’t believe I ruined Celine Dion for the both of us for a whole year.” Seulgi can’t hear Power of Love in a mall without wincing but she remembers how Seungwan loved putting the record on in her room while they studied for exams together and it’s easier to bear. 

  
  


“I tolerated it for you.” Seulgi jokes as she unpacks the cooler bag and Seungwan rolls her eyes and ducks her head in a mock-bow.

  
  


“Thank you for your sacrifice,” she says and takes out her coveted sandwiches in a seal-tight tupperware box.

  
  


“You can thank me by letting me try your secret sandwiches.” Seulgi gestures at the box in her hand with her head while she picks off a grape to pop into her mouth and Seungwan clears her throat for the act.

  
  


“Okay, I don’t think you’ll ever be ready but I guess I can let you have a bite.” Seungwan pops off the lid and brings one of them to Seulgi’s mouth. 

  
  


It shouldn’t be weird, but she’s having a hard time processing the fact that Seungwan wants to feed her. _Is_ feeding her. 

  
  


“The sauce is dripping out, come here.” Seulgi shuffles over and Seungwan puts the edge of the bread in her mouth. 

  
  


“How is it?” Seungwan looks at her so attentively and closely that Seulgi hopes she doesn’t choke on her food. 

  
  


“Really good, what did you put in there?” Seulgi says with a hand over her mouth and Seungwan beams. 

  
  


“I’ll keep it a secret until I get the recipe really good, then I’ll tell you.” Her smile is cheeky and endearing and puts a nail in the coffin for Seulgi’s sanity.

  
  


“And no, don’t pull out that quote again.” Seungwan makes a tiny cross with her fingers, littered with dainty rings and Seulgi suppresses her laugh.

  
  


“Okay okay I’ll let it go. Now, did you want to try my esteemed fruit or is that not good enough for you?” Seulgi offers up her humble plate of fruit, cut up as prettily as she could do with her three kitchen knives, and Seungwan goes for the watermelon.

  
  


“I’ll give you a chance.” Seungwan bites the flesh of the fruit slice and before Seulgi truly thinks, she takes a napkin and wipes the sides of her mouth before the red juice can stain her clothes.

  
  


“Sorry, you just had some—” Seulgi doesn’t know what to do with her hands and Seungwan finishes up her chewing, cheeks returning to that shade of pink that can’t be a coincidence before she looks up at Seulgi from under her bangs. It’s cute, damningly so.

  
  


“Thank you.” 

  
  


So far, the birthday picnic has been going swimmingly, and Seulgi is incredibly glad for it. Yet instead, it’s been replaced with a whole lot of close contact and all repercussions of the former. 

Seungwan clears her throat and the sounds of children squealing while playing tag returns as Seulgi slips out of her daydream.

  
  


“I was wondering how you and Jisoo met? I’m sorry I didn’t keep up with how you were going for so long.” Seungwan sounds genuinely apologetic and her eyes, the crystal-clear windows to her soul, are clouded grey.

  
  


“Seung, it’s okay really. We both had our fair share of fault in not keeping up with each other.” Seulgi reassures the other with a hand on her arm, squeezing it gently, and Seungwan gives her a small smile in return. It’s true for the most part, though Seungwan doesn’t need to know about everything else.

  
  


“I met Jisoo at work. Jisoo was interning at the company when I first came and complimented my outfit on the way to her superior’s meeting, and the rest is history.” Seulgi remembers Jisoo rushing to catch her on the third floor, only to tell her that her blazer was really nice, before dashing back to catch up with her superior and the rest of the entourage to the meeting room. When Jisoo caught her again at the cafeteria, it was something like fate and its friends telling them that they were meant to be friends, or so Jisoo claims. 

  
  


“Aw that’s really cute. Was she already with her partner at the time?” Seungwan coos and Seulgi nods before picking up another sandwich.

  
  


“Her and Jennie didn’t have a label exactly, but Jisoo had told me that she was definitely going to ask her out, it was just a matter of when, and I think the week after she did it over a candlelit dinner.” 

  
  


When Seungwan’s eyes widen to double their size, Seulgi laughs and nods, wiping away the sauce from her palm with a serviette.

  
  


“I know, she’s really something else. I really wish I had her determination and confidence.” 

  
  


“Imagine the way our lives would have gone if we did.” Seungwan comments offhandedly, and Seulgi knows that’s not supposed to mean anything more than what it _means_ , but it sends the hairs on her arm standing.

  
  


“That’s really amazing though, tell them I sent my wishes.” 

  
  


“Or you could tell them yourself.” Seulgi says before she thinks and Seungwan looks at her, clearly confused.

  
  


“I mean— if you wanted to meet them in real life, that would be fun, I think.” Seulgi tries her best to remedy the situation and Seungwan nods in understanding.

  
  


“Right! Right, I thought— never mind.” She waves her hand and continues munching on the last sandwich on the plate, averting eye contact with Seulgi.

  
  


“Unless, you wanted to come with me. To the wedding. But of course it’s okay if you don’t.” This is not how this was supposed to go, but Seulgi is a new woman. All about impulse and zero recognition of the consequences of her actions. 

  
  


“Oh Seulgi, I couldn’t—” Seungwan insists and Seulgi counters.

  
  


“Ji has been saving me an extra invite since she first got engaged. If that’s what you were worried about, that is.” 

  
  


Seungwan looks unsure and Seulgi doesn’t know what it is exactly about her expression but Seungwan’s uncertainty always looks mixed with something else that she can’t pinpoint.

  
  


“I’d love to, if you’ll have me.” Seungwan doesn’t have anything in her hands to fiddle with and shoots Seulgi a smile that sends her reeling. So in typical Seulgi fashion, she reacts.

  
“My back-up, right?” 

  
  


Seulgi wants to sink into the ground and never come back up. Seungwan cocks her head at her before the realisation kicks in and she lights up again, which does something to quell the fire ignited in her chest. 

  
  


“It’s been so long, I didn’t think you remembered.” Seungwan says softly, and her light doesn’t dim as much as it only spreads across the picnic blanket and to Seulgi.

  
  


She remembers. Seungwan remembers and the fact that she does triggers the blaze that courses across her body. Is this what it feels like? To have someone perhaps hold these words closer to them than you imagined? 

  
  


“Since prom, I’ve remembered.” Seulgi admits and she hopes the rustling of the leaves above them does enough to fill the silence.

  
  


“Would you believe me if I told you that it’s what ended things for me and Irene?” 

  
  


With such candidness and a resigned breath, Seulgi thinks she found what exactly that expression comprised of after all.

  
  


The woman in front of her blinks slowly before meeting her eyes. It’s not exactly pain in the purest form, but a strain of it that has Seulgi even more conflicted.

  
  


“We’d been fighting for months at that point, and Irene was struggling with demands from work and we seemed to be apart more than we were together at that point. So, in the middle of one of our fights about something I can’t even remember now, I told her that I—” Seungwan swallows and Seulgi is deciding whether to jump or fall. 

“I told her that I didn’t need to be with her, that I had someone else.” 

  
  


What the fuck happens now? Seulgi wasn’t prepared for this. The flame vacillates between wavering and burning even brighter. She feels the onset of guilt in its all its sharp edges and weight coming onto her from something that wasn’t her fault at all.

Yet, when she sees Seungwan, who stares at her with an immeasurable amount of— Seulgi refuses to put a name to something she recognises within herself. 

  
  


The flame burns and burns and burns.

  
  


“I’m sorry I didn’t— I shouldn’t have said anything.” 

  
  


Seungwan sounds like she’s on the brink of tears and Seulgi doesn’t know when it got so cold. 

  
  


“Seung wait, don’t—” Seulgi grabs her wrist before she can make a move to leave and retracts her hand immediately. Seungwan looks even closer to tears and Seulgi makes a plea to the gods, whoever is listening, to deign her mercy for what she’s about to do.

  
  


“We can— we can forget about it.” They laugh at her. How can you forget this truth that will plague you for as long as you live? You couldn’t even forget about that pact, how could you forget this?

  
  


Seungwan accepts the truth quicker than Seulgi does.

  
  


“No. We can’t. Seulgi I—” Seulgi gets up to stop Seungwan from going. It’s dark out, how is she getting home. _Don’t leave. Please._ Seulgi doesn’t know what to say or do to make her stay. She just got her back and she’s gone.

  
  


“I’m sorry.” 

  
  


Seulgi is thirty and still hung up on the girl she’s loved since she was seventeen. She made a promise in that diner on the night of prom and it’s scored an indelible mark on her ever since. 

  
  


The sky goes down on them and Seulgi is left to reckon with the realisation that the clock was teaching her how things disappear. 

  
  


Jisoo and Jennie come over to see Seulgi sobbing on her couch. Tthey don’t ask and hold her until she isn’t shaking any more. 

The days pass by in a kaleidoscope of greys and Seulgi can’t bring herself to be happy about her best friend starting a new chapter in her life when one in hers has been ripped away from her. She tries, she does, but everything hurts. To have someone’s imprint plastered over your conscience and memory like the scent of floral perfume she can’t scrub from her skin no matter how hard she tries, is fucking awful.

The twenty-first looms ever closer. Seungwan won’t answer her calls and texts are futile at this point. Seulgi never knows what to say, much like how she couldn’t find the words to make her stay. 

Jisoo hears what happened, and for once, doesn’t know what to say, Doesn’t know what she _can_ say that’ll alleviate whatever Seulgi is feeling at this moment.

Seungwan broke up with her girlfriend because in the heat of the moment, in an ongoing battle with someone she loved, she said that she had someone else. Someone she loved back home. Six out of ten years spent with someone, only for it to break into a thousand pieces because of a promise. 

Seulgi can’t even confirm that Seungwan loves her. It was impulsive, and meant to hurt. To drive a wedge into a crack fostered by everything else that went wrong and break it beyond repair. Is Seulgi taking it too far to call it a weaponisation? 

The clock stares at her so pitifully, she wants to throw it out. 

  
  
  


Jisoo’s overwhelming love for her soon-to-be-wife that it eventually pierces through Seulgi’s armour and reaches her too. They’ve vowed not to see each other until the aisle, so Jisoo has holed herself up at a hotel for the night and Seulgi, as her maid of honour and best friend, has volunteered to spend a portion of the night with her until she’s gathered herself together enough to get at least six hours of sleep. 

  
  


“Oh Seulgi, I’m sorry, you don’t need this right now.” Jisoo chokes out after a fresh wave of tears hit her and Seulgi shakes her head vehemently.

  
  


“Ji, it’s okay. It’s your day tomorrow so we’re not going to talk about me at all alright?” Jisoo pulls herself back from Seulgi’s embrace and sniffles.

  
  


“You could always live with us you know, we could make it work.” Seulgi throws her head back in laughter and Jisoo whines.

  
  


“I’m serious! I— we could be great, the three of us.” Seulgi has to stop herself from falling off the bed in a fit of laughter before she grabs her best friend by the cheeks and nuzzles their noses together.

  
  


“In another life, okay? We’d be brilliant together, the holy trinity reborn.” Jisoo lets out a mix of a snort and a hiccup and Seulgi bursts into giggles again.

  
  


“I can’t wait for tomorrow Ji, you’re going to look so beautiful.” 

  
  


Jisoo folds Seulgi’s hand into her own and wipes away the last of her tears.

  
  


“I love you, you know that?” The younger woman leans her shoulder on Seulgi’s and Seulgi reciprocates. 

  
  


“I love you too.” 

  
  


She truly deserves a happy ending and more. 

  
  


“It’s getting late, are you okay to drive home? You can stay if you want.” Jisoo says as she lifts her head off the perch she’s made of Seulgi’s shoulder and again, Seulgi shakes her head,

  
  


“It’s alright Ji, I need to fix up some things at home.” There’s washing to be done and rubbish to take out that Seulgi has been ignoring for the past week. 

  
  


“Well, let me know when you get home okay?” Her best friend looks like a bear wrapped up in that fluffy robe and Seulgi smiles at the sight. 

  
  


“Mhmm, you better be in bed by the time I get home, okay?” Seulgi puts her hand on her hips and Jisoo nods reluctantly before getting up from the bed.

  
  


“Don’t stay up either, you’re just as important as I am to the wedding.” Jisoo says at the door and Seulgi rolls her eyes.

  
  


“ _Goodnight_ Jisoo Kim. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Seulgi waves and Jisoo lets go of her hand to wave back.

  
  


Traffic permits a twenty minute drive home and Seulgi opens her door to find that no, her rubbish hasn’t taken itself out nor have the clothes cleaned themselves. 

She shoots Jisoo a text before she forgets and goes about putting detergent in the machine for a quick wash before the doorbell rings. 

  
  


“Who is it?” Seulgi won’t take her chances with intruders the night before her best friend’s wedding.

  
  


“It’s me. Seungwan.”  
  


Seulgi runs to the door and swings it open.

  
  


“What are you doing here?” Seulgi forces the words out of her throat and Seungwan breaks in front of her in real-time.

  
  


“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry Seulgi.” Seungwan has her glasses on, black frames Seulgi hasn’t seen since high school, and it’s not hard to tell that she’s been crying as well.

  
  


“You used me Seungwan, and I still wanted you to stay. What did you expect me to do?” Seulgi is so angry and confused and seeing Seungwan’s eyes brimming with unshed tears is doing nothing but forging her anguish into something unbreakable.

  
  


“I don’t— I don’t know okay?! I thought about you everyday we were apart Seulgi, you have to believe me when I say it wasn’t just that day that I— I thought to say something to her.” 

  
  


Seulgi is all out of pieces to give and yet. Seungwan has told her everything but the three words she’s been dying to hear since they were kids. She thought about her everyday, she remembers the stupid fucking promise that got them here in the first place, but what does it all mean to her?

  
  


“Seungwan, I’ve loved you since we were in high school. I’ve thought about you every single day since you left, and wondered why I let you take over every single part of my life. Then you come back to the States, you act so strangely when I tell you I’m not seeing anyone, then you treat me like, like you’re interested. Like you’re finally seeing me the way I’ve always seen you. You can’t just—”

  
  


“Seulgi, I’ve wanted to be with you since we were kids too.” 

  
  


No rustling leaves, no reprieve from a swallowing silence. 

  
  


“I was going to ask you to prom that day, but you never— I didn’t think you thought of me the way I thought of you. So I asked Sooyoung if she wanted to go, as friends, and to make myself feel better when you ultimately asked someone who wasn’t me.” 

  
  


Remember when Seulgi was choosing to jump or fall? There’s no choice now but to fall and fall and fall. 

  
  


“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, before we graduated or any time between then and now. I was scared, and Irene found me in the midst of the city and showed me how fucking wonderful it feels to be loved. So I took it and ran, even if I wanted you instead.” Seungwan doesn’t raise her voice, but she sounds so small, it brings Seulgi to her knees. Those eyes of hers are so clear, it’ll break Seulgi if she looks into them and confirms how she must look right now.

  
  


“Seungwan.” Seulgi starts, and the woman in front of her trembles ever so slightly.

  
  


“You don’t have to forgive me, or do anything else. You don’t owe me anything, I just couldn’t hold this from you—”

  
  


“Do you love me, Seungwan?” Seulgi just needs to hear it. Once.

  
  


Seungwan bites her lip, and her hands, those warm hands of hers grip the edge of her sweater.

  
  


“I love you Seulgi.”

  
  


Seulgi surges and kisses Seungwan like she’s trying to pull another confession from her. Seungwan holds her close and lets Seulgi take and take. How long will it take to forgive her again? Seulgi steals another breath. How long will it take to soothe these scars and let herself live with a sense of normalcy again? Another kiss. They break apart to catch air and Seungwan lets the tears fall.

  
  


“I love you.” _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you._

  
  


Their foreheads are pressed together and Seulgi wills herself to look into those eyes she was so afraid of.

  
  


_Right now I've nothing to lose_

_You love me, I love you_

  
  


Seulgi is thirty and with the girl she’s been in love with for twelve years in her arms, albeit the searing pain and the gold that spills from her wounds, she takes a look at the clock and wonders why the hands stop moving. 

**Author's Note:**

> just a note: the dialogue from when they make the pact is adopted from wong fu production’s series ‘single by 30’ which is also another inspiration for this fic ^^
> 
> you know what time it is- favourite line?
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/renminsungs) \+ [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/98mbins) \+ my [dreamwidth](https://caihong.dreamwidth.org/) post about it!


End file.
